It's a melancholy weekend or is it just that i have a melancholy soul?  I didn't feel good yesterday but I think that half of it was my insides.  Sometimes I miss people beyond what I think is normal and nothing is worse than missing someone.  Relationships with narcissists are always fucked up. I don't think i can say more than that right now.  

I shut my lights out for 'earth hour' .  In that hour i sadly didn't think once about global warming and wasn't that the whole point--some sort of heightened awareness?

Here is what i did during my hour:

*facebooked my friends

*watched Bill O'Reilly

*struggled with the cat for space in the chair.

*thought about eating a brownie but i was thinking if i opened the fridge and the light came on  than for years people would suspect I was singularly responsible for the ice melt.  I have enough paranoia in my life without worrying about that.

So frankly I am glad earth hour is over.  

I posted a link to a blog on a young woman who suicided in January.  Saying this I am not a person who sits and thinks about suicide except in that sense of what would it be like if I left this planet and who would miss me.  What mark would I have left and all that. . .a very egotistical sort of viewpoint I know.  But it is funny that in my blog search the very first two blogs i came across deal with the pain and torture of mental illness.

In any case this woman Clio Chafee seems to be the sort who left footprints.  I recall reading that  a person had been hit by a train on the day of her death and had that very basic 'oh that's too bad' sort of thought.  It was days later when I read her obit which bravely stated that she 'chose to end her life'.  I became I admit somewhat fascinated by this wording which led me on a sort of voyeuristic curious journey.  Clio's family is a prominent New England family and it is more than likely she was brought up lacking nothing.  She truly it would seem had it all. . .including demons which must have slowly pushed her to the train track.  I find the tributes to her beautiful and her leaving this planet so sad.   I never ever met this woman but i think she was that type of person it would be hard to say goodbye to.