Compliments

Today at work as I sat there a secretary came up to me and asked me if i wanted a nice green apple which i declined.  Several minutes later a hospital coordinator told me she was running to the cafeteria and asked if i would like anything brought back.  It was really nice and though it doesn't sound like a big deal it reminds me how many times do we do things in our day and not take a minute to see the rest of the world around us.  I read about 2 college students at Purdue who stand on campus for 2 hours a week and should nothing but compliments.  Despite them gaining some degree of publicity they started out with no other intention except to say nice things.

Purdue 'Compliment Guys' spread cheer across campus

I think it is much easier to say something bad as opposed to something good.  I don't know why and I think it may make us even more uncomfortable to think about.  Tomorrow I think instead of letting the bad stuff out maybe i will work on the good stuff.

It's a melancholy weekend or is it just that i have a melancholy soul?  I didn't feel good yesterday but I think that half of it was my insides.  Sometimes I miss people beyond what I think is normal and nothing is worse than missing someone.  Relationships with narcissists are always fucked up. I don't think i can say more than that right now.  

I shut my lights out for 'earth hour' .  In that hour i sadly didn't think once about global warming and wasn't that the whole point--some sort of heightened awareness?

Here is what i did during my hour:

*facebooked my friends

*watched Bill O'Reilly

*struggled with the cat for space in the chair.

*thought about eating a brownie but i was thinking if i opened the fridge and the light came on  than for years people would suspect I was singularly responsible for the ice melt.  I have enough paranoia in my life without worrying about that.

So frankly I am glad earth hour is over.  

I posted a link to a blog on a young woman who suicided in January.  Saying this I am not a person who sits and thinks about suicide except in that sense of what would it be like if I left this planet and who would miss me.  What mark would I have left and all that. . .a very egotistical sort of viewpoint I know.  But it is funny that in my blog search the very first two blogs i came across deal with the pain and torture of mental illness.

In any case this woman Clio Chafee seems to be the sort who left footprints.  I recall reading that  a person had been hit by a train on the day of her death and had that very basic 'oh that's too bad' sort of thought.  It was days later when I read her obit which bravely stated that she 'chose to end her life'.  I became I admit somewhat fascinated by this wording which led me on a sort of voyeuristic curious journey.  Clio's family is a prominent New England family and it is more than likely she was brought up lacking nothing.  She truly it would seem had it all. . .including demons which must have slowly pushed her to the train track.  I find the tributes to her beautiful and her leaving this planet so sad.   I never ever met this woman but i think she was that type of person it would be hard to say goodbye to.

Passing Time

Age is a funny thing. I find myself now looking at women differently than I did before. I think when you are in your 20's you have no concept of time you live your life in measured minutes of either wonderful bliss that are mixed with moments of wondering when you will get on with your life.  In your 20's you feel your life has not quite started yet.  I do not know what one does in their 30's I don't think we are really paying attention as we are establishing ourselves as grown ups and starting the business of maturity.  Your 40's sneak up on you slowly like weight gain.  I recall the first time I realized that weight was actually going to become an issue and no longer could I look at someone overweight and think 'all they need to do is eat right and exercise'.  The same can be said of depression.  I always thought all people needed to do to snap out of depression was snap out of depression.  Depression is paralyzing.  I never know that until I got there myself.  I can say that I had a summer when I could hardly speak a word.  It hurt to talk and the sound of 'how are you' or 'are you okay' could bring me to tears.  I recall standing in a bathroom at a hospital and looking in a mirror while tears fell and i wondered: how did i get here ?  Depression is so not a snap out of it sort of thing.  In the movie "Sex and The City" there is this scene where Carrie has to be fed her food by her friend.  I wept through that scene.  I had so been in Carrie's skin.

Poetry

The first time I read poetry was when i was too young to understand really what anything meant.  I certainly had no concept of adult heartache and pain.  I remember picking up Rod McKuen when I was still a teenager and all his words felt like someday they would mean something to me.  Later when I was in my early 20's i read Merritt Malloy.  For those of you who have ever had a joyful moment of love overshadowed by the pain of loss you will find a kindred spirit.  I often wonder what happened to her.  It is like she just fell off the earth.  Over the years i've tried to locate new material and come up with nothing.  I found it interesting when my daughter who is 19 picked up Merritt Malloy when she was 16.  Perhaps the broken heart starts younger nowadays.