Beacon Hill

It's raining. Inside and outside.  Last night I fell asleep with a very broken heart.  Why do we continue to put ourselves in situations where the end result is pain. How can it be that we can overlove people who don't deserve it.  Today I awoke and thought that today would be the ideal day to walk away from this madness of a half of a life.  I finally have a sound enough reason to end things it's just finding the strength to do so.  I could not answer the phone, pager,email, facebook, or smoke signal.  

I could live my life without you because that is really what i do most of the time.  

I give half of my attention to those around me so that you can have a life and a half.  

The thought of living without you--this scares me to death.

The thought of staying and going through this one more time does too.

Bagels

I made a bagel tonight which in and of itself is not a big deal.  As I cut the bagel in half I remembered my old friend telling me once that he thought it was the number 1 reason people cut themselves; that is cutting the bagel.  The thought isn't that earth shattering but the content surrounding the thought process is.  Why is it that every time I cut a bagel that same thought goes through my mind which then triggers the thought that missing people is terrible and that one moment you can believe that life will not get any better and the next you are standing in the kitchen cutting a bagel wondering how life got to this point. 

People we love do not go away.  They remain in some art form, some recurrent word or thought.  They settle themselves in these corners of our hearts and become the OCD component of our souls.  We can find comfort in the reminder of the past or we can grieve for what is not to be.  Most times I think I settle somewhere in between.  

In my life I've seldom said goodbye to anyone i've truly loved.

Today while cutting a bagel I realize not much has changed over the years.